Transformation. A gift of grace.

“A person can’t change.”  Advice I was given in high school that ultimately led me to freedom from an emotional mess of a relationship I had gotten myself into.  Realizing that I couldn’t change someone was what I needed to be able to respect myself enough to walk away from destruction.  But years later, when looking at my own life, I really have to rethink that theory.  & I would make the bold statement that the statement is false.

Where is this coming from?  Well, last night I decided to stop making excuses of how exhausted I am on Friday nights & instead go to a young adults meeting in my area with an old high school friend.  While there I saw two more people who I knew in high school.  I got to talk to them a little.  Catch up about school, plans for afterwards, & so on.  It wasn’t until later last night though that I really started thinking how the person that I was in high school is not even close to the person I am today.  I mean, to be less dramatic, I definitely have some of the same traits, good & bad.  But looking at the ways I have changed, they really affected who I am as a person.  Getting my priorities in line, realizing the reality of what my life is really about, realizing who’s really in control, & who I should work to please, it’s changed the way I make my decisions, the ways I interact with others, the way I choose to care or not care about what others think of me.

I wish that I have always known how to be a little less selfish.  Thinking about who I used to be, it really makes me wonder how many people have I hurt?  How many people think I am just a complete idiot?  How many people think of me as a bad person?  Or how many people remember me as the weak girl who needed attention so badly?  How many people remember the girl who was desperate to feel loved? [Those people remember correctly because that’s the reality of who I was]

Who am I now?  I would like to think that I have become someone who thinks about others a little bit more, causing a little less hurt.  I would like to think that I am someone who has been gifted with wisdom from the source of all wisdom.  Someone who could maybe be called a “good person” but more importantly, someone who just builds other people up instead of tearing them down.  I would like to think that I have become someone who is a little less desperate for attention.  & someone who is no longer desperate to feel loved by this world, because I am confident in reality that my Creator loves me more than I could even imagine.

But let’s be raw: It’s not all daisies & sunshine though.  Of course I have my many moments where I just fall back into my selfish, hurtful, idiotic, attention seeking ways.  & the people who I have hurt the most in the past will be the first to jump at the opportunity to remind me that the hopeless, and pitiful girl that I used to be still makes an appearance on the daily.

So, reading this, you’re probably wondering, “so where is this change that you said you experienced if ultimately you keep falling into your old ways?”  Well, the change is the fact that when I realize that I’m making a hurtful mistake, or when I lay my head on my pillow & think about my day, I not only have remorse for my actions, words, & thoughts, but I have a hope.  A hope that because of God’s loving grace that he pours down on me, I have the rest of my life to continue to become aware of all the ways I miss the mark of perfection that God wants from me, & allow Him to give me the courage & the strength to turn away from my old ways & follow the perfect path that He has planned out for me.  The hope is that I can now be grounded in the fact that I no longer need to search this world for the abundant & completely satisfying love that I once thought I would find from this world & instead take joy in the imperfect loving relationships I have because I am completely fulfilled by the perfect love of God.  What freedom.  How did I ever live differently?

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